Thoughts 8/13 - 8/15/25

A Memory

Man, they don’t warn you about how hard it can get. However, I am not sure that warnings from adults would have meant much to me as a child. A specific memory comes to mind when I think about this very dilemma. When I was roughly ten or so, I was sitting beside my uncle on his speedboat, enjoying the waves and the peace of being on the lake, when he told me never to smoke, as a cigarette hung from his mouth. 

At first, what my uncle said confused the hell out of me. How could the man smoking tell me not to smoke? As I thought about that moment more and more, I realized what he was truly saying within the simplicity of his warning. The inherent hypocrisy of his words to his actions told me everything that needed to be said. Addiction splits the mind and body, which is a very heavy moral to understand as a child, and despite it, I didn’t listen, now did I? 

That memory means a lot to me and is one I often revisit while looking in the mirror. Emotionally, it felt like a contract, a promise that I’d never take on the bad habit my uncle likely never wanted. But years passed, and I changed, and whether it was for better or for worse is up for debate, but either way, I am different.  At some point, the promises I made to myself didn’t matter. 

That’s why I keep getting myself into trouble. Not the kind of trouble you get into as a kid, but instead a deeper trouble that only I can feel. Everyone experiences these troubles, of course, and they can be as small as breaking your diet or not cleaning when you should, or as big as relapsing after months of success. These troubles build up. For me, it builds quickly and hits even faster. It feels like being KO’d, then getting beaten again before touching the ground.

The Split

Life doesn’t really let you take a breath, or at least that is the case for some. And in this moment, where I feel beaten, I am struggling to get air. Now, it’s not the end of the world, or even that important. My struggles are pebbles compared to others. However, that doesn’t make it any less real, nor did I ask for it. But my actions don’t always reflect that belief. 

Sounds familiar, doesnt it? Except I continue to not learn from my hypocrisy.

Obviously, I am self-aware enough to write these things down, so I must have learned something, right? Yes and no. I have these ideas floating around in my head, but life’s chaos is excellent at masking positive thoughts. Intellectually, I know the solution to my problems, yet they’re always out of reach.

When in a rut, like I find myself so often, creating goals is always the life coach’s and concerned friend’s first suggestion. While setting goals is a great place to start, it ends up just putting more on the person's plate. Take me, for example, I find it difficult to set a goal and follow through with it. And at this stage in my life, I can no longer put all of the blame on myself. I have realized that my brain functions differently, as does everybody else's, and I need to work with it, not force it to be who it’s not. So, while I do have goals that I work towards every day, the strain from that process can be more damaging than anything.

Progress

I admit, I’m making my mental state sound much more dire than it is, but if there is one thing that I learned from college, it’s that extremes make writing entertaining. But my point stands, and is likely something I could learn a lot from. Realistically, I do still progress in life, or at least within my definition of progress. I believe that learning and wisdom are something that no one can ever master. There is always something to learn from someone, or even yourself. 

But it can be comforting to think that there's a number out there that says I am closer to being someone worthwhile, or maybe my simple brain can’t think of something better. Either way, it gives me something to hold onto, even if it’s arbitrary.

Now, if you’re still reading this, you’re likely asking yourself if there is a point to any of this. The short answer is: kinda. Sometimes I just need to get the ideas out of my head before they explode, but this post is also my long way of saying I need to do more, and will do more.

I set up this blog to put my writings, and yet I have let life hold me back from that. Like usual,  I set a goal and yet never finished it. In almost every way, the Red Zebra Club has been a failure. Not because of the blog itself, but because of me. Sure, I have continued to work on my clothing designs as that has been my favorite way to express my creativity lately. But now my shirts have become an excuse. I work on them so that I don’t have to write, but deep down, I want to do them both. 

But writing scares me. Putting myself on paper for anyone to read is such a daunting feat. What if people don’t like me, or my writing skills aren’t where they should be? It’s just another way for me to be judged, but that is just another excuse. My fears are a house of my own design, but I became a writer because I still think I have something worthwhile to say, and I continue to be a writer for that very same reason.  

Looking Forward

I may not know much, but I do know that I am done running. I want to be a creator and not a consumer, but I’m scared of the effort required to achieve that. Cowardice can no longer rule my life. Sure, I’m not gonna be perfect. I am gonna have days where I still cower, but this blog post is a written contract, one I created, written by my hands. 

I plan to do much more in the coming days and stick with it. I have a short film planned and multiple shirt designs that I want to work on, but more importantly, I want to write. It doesn’t matter what it is, movie reviews, blog posts of my ramblings, or even a novel. It is crucial that when I start going, I don’t stop. I am the kind of person who relies on momentum to succeed. As soon as I slow down, it is nearly impossible to get moving again.